Anyway, I had to hop on my computer today and type something up because I may have just found the key to potentially getting rid of my weight, for good!
For the majority of my life, I have been aware of food, and diets. I think I was about 11 when my Nan told me I was "fat, always had been and always will be". Let me tell you, at 11, sure I was "rotund" (lol), but I was not fat. However, after that comment, food seemed to become something that I was constantly aware of, forever trying to avoid, but "failing" and then sneaking food when no one was looking. Throw in an ex-boyfriend, who always made me feel quite worthless and unattractive (trust me, that's a whole other story), plus the comfort eating when the relationshit ended and you've reached current Katie. To this day, I still do what I did years ago, I go on ridiculous diets, I fail, I feel like I have to hide that I'm eating and then repeat; I'm constantly aware of other people around me and what they must be thinking about this fat girl, who's eating food that she really shouldn't be.
When I say I've tried the majority of diets, I mean it. I've done Cambridge, Slimming World, Weight Watchers, counting calories, just eating fruit, trying to eat nothing and each time I've put on the weight plus more, back on. It's fair to say I had reached the end of my tether with it all; I was convinced that the only way I'd be able to lose weight, would be to have a gastric band. Failing that, I was getting used to the idea that I'd just be big (and miserable) forever. I've tried to be happy about it, tried to convince myself that I'm meant to be bigger. I follow so many plus sized girls on Instagram and I see how happy they are and I wish I could feel that way, but I just don't. I don't feel attractive, I can't look in floor length mirrors, I avoid anything that's reflective and I HATE photos of me being taken that I'm not prepared for. You'd think that all of that would be enough to push me to do anything to shift the weight, but I've entered into this vicious cycle which is proving very difficult to break from.
A week or so ago I was online, Daily Mail (lol), and I came across an article about Paul McKenna's book, I Can Make You Thin. I don't know why I ordered it because I didn't really pay much attention to the article. But that night I went on to Amazon and put it in my basket, I can't really remember thinking much about it except, at this stage, I'll try anything! I started reading the book last night, and I had to keep reading it. Everything I was reading I could relate to, everything in that (magical, wonderful) book started to make sense and a little seed of hope was planted, perhaps there is a way to lose weight without having to go on these crazy diets.
So today, all I've been trying to do is notice when I'm actually hungry, which is more difficult than I thought it would be. And, I've been stopping in between every mouthful, putting my fork down, or putting the actual food down, instead of eating it within 20 seconds and wondering where it's gone! It took me half a blinking hour to eat my lunch today, it's never, ever taken me that long before! Usually, I bring a bag of food into work and I'll have eaten it ALL before 11:30am and I'm looking for something else. Today, however, I've eaten whatever I wanted, crisps and chocolate, and for the first time in I don't know how long, I can honestly say I've enjoyed every blady mouthful! Plus, I've actually still got food left in my lunch bag! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
Ok, so yes, it's only been a day, and I know it's crazy to feel so excited and like this is the start of something AMAZING. But I can't remember the last time I felt this excited to potentially lose weight! I'm hoping that this could be what I've been looking for, which sounds insane! If it is, you can guarantee I'll be keeping you updated! How crazy would it be if this time next year, I'm exactly where I want to be! (I've set an alarm on my phone for a years time...WISH ME LUCK)
If you managed to get to the end - thank ya! I know it's a bit all over the place, but I'm just so excited that I needed to share everywhere!
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